Taking it back.

22 Feb

Sometimes I want to slam my head against my desk.  Especially where there is screaming crying in the background.  Over and over again until the noise stops.

Needless to say it’s been a rough weekend in our house.  Strike that, it’s been a rough three weeks dotted with a few giggles, smiles and cooes.  But mostly screaming.  Oh..the screaming.

There are things I miss about being a young, childless married lady.  The ability to sleep in on a Saturday.  Watching Gilmore Girls on SoapNet on Saturday and Sunday mornings..uninterrputed.  Going out to dinner with my husband.  Grocery shopping with my husband.  Taking a shower and not worrying about Holden and wondering if he’s crying.  Not snapping at my husband for things that don’t even matter.

First Holden went through his three-month growth spurt.  Unlike any of his previous growth spurts this one was awful.  If he wasn’t eating, or pretending to sleep he was crying.  The he got sick and spent most of his time sneezing or coughing.  It broke my heart..his little cough was the saddest noise I’d ever heard.  His nights were thrown out of whack and instead of my little angel that slept until two or three he started sleeping until eleven or twelve.  If we were lucky.  Then he came back into our room in the bassinet.  Then we re-swaddled him.  Both habits we had broken with success the month before.   He was just starting to get better he was sleeping a little bit more like normal (but swaddled and in the bassinet) and he was a bit happier.  Then he got his shots and the devil possessed my tiny little bear face which lead to the culminating event this evening which included an unconsolable screamfest for over an hour.  Not even the bath would comfort him.

But then he eventually fell asleep in my arms hiccupping from screaming for so long.  And I know that tomorrow he’ll wake up and the first thing he’ll do is smile when he sees me and I instantly take back every small yearning I had for my “old life”.  Because when it’s gone..as weird as it seems..I’ll miss this.  Yes, I’ll miss the things that make me sad like the screaming, the crying (mostly by me), the yearning I have to be closer (physically) to my mother, wishing that I was closer (physically again) to my friends…but even more so I’ll miss the good things.  The way he laughs when Reilly licks his feet, the noises he makes when he’s sleeping, his first giggle in the bathtub, the way no one can calm him down like I can, the smell of his freshly washed onesies, the scowl he gives when he’s just looking around.  It won’t always be this way.  He won’t be this little forever and I try to remind myself of that during the bad times but especially during the good.

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