I’m not sure if the grass is actually greener..

14 Apr

The decision to become a parent..well that was easy.  That conversation took place during an hour and a half car ride back from a family get together in August 2008.  Conceiving said child..a little bit trickier.  It took us five months..fairly average in terms of “trying to conceive”..but those were five long miserable months for me.  Every test that came back negative broke my heart.  Of course it seemed like everyone I knew was pregnant and posting ultrasound pictures and belly shots on Facebook.  Finally my time came & we were over-freaking-joyed at the prospect of a Little Dave. (Because let’s face it..he HAD to be a boy because Dave was convinced that had we had a girl he wouldn’t have been able to handle it for many reasons…his biggest concern…he couldn’t play wrestle a little girl..true story).

In terms of a time line Holden came at a weird point in our lives.  I was just starting my last semester of graduate school when I found out I was pregnant.  I also had been a full time student for two years..this meant I was pregnant and unemployed.  But..it was okay..we had been living on one salary for two years and we have a beautiful house and everything we need.  As my school year came to an end Dave and I were left with the big question–Do I try to get a new job and then leave two months into the school year for six weeks or do I take this year and stay at home with Holden?  Our decision..well..we didn’t really make one.  I applied for some jobs, half heartedly.  Part of me was so anxious to get out there and get to work again.  It had been over two years since I had seen my name on a paycheck and I was ready.  The other part?  That part was heart-sick at the thought of leaving a six-week old baby in the arms of a stranger.  Every mother goes through this dilemia..what the crap do you do in situations like that?

I went on (one) interview and I did not get the job.  It was not surprisng..by the time I went I was obviously pregnant and this was a brand new school.  I don’t blame them for not hiring me.  Even if I was super-wonderful-most-amazing-teacher ever (which clearly I need work..have you seen my grammar?)  I wouldn’t have been surprised.  Towards the end of the summer I found a tutoring job for a few afternoons a week and I just loved it.  They totally didn’t care about the size of my belly..in fact they loved it..and it became a running joke about how I may just deliver Holden in the S.A.T room and then get back to Vocabulary.  I took two months off after Holden was born and ran right back.  The first day I cried the entire way to work..remember? But eventually it became my safe haven.  If I was having a rough day with Holden or in need of some “grown-up time” I could escape for a few hours a day and then I can come right back home to my little boy.  These six months have been the best and the most rewarding months of my entire life.

But..it was always temporary.  It was always just “this one year” whenever Dave and I talked about it.  I just can’t believe how fast it’s going by.

Whenever I hear the Stay-At-Home Mom vs. Working Mom debate someone always says “the grass is greener on the other side”. I have to disagree..my grass is pretty flipping green from where I am standing.  (Although, in real life this is not true at all because Dave and I are totally not yard people..seriously..my Dad insists that the next house we buy should be a condo).

(Yeah my grass totally does not look like this)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: