#2: You want some coffee? That’s okay I’ll just lick it off the table..

18 Jun

In my twenty-eight years I have never had a cup of coffee.

Sips?  Yes.  Whole cups..nope..never.

I remember the first time I tried coffee.  I was fourteen and The Pantry (a.k.a. the gas station near school) just got a new cappuccino machine.  This was 1994.  Starbucks were not the rage.  I had never heard of a Barnes & Noble and the only place I knew that you could get coffee was out of my parents coffee pot..which they drank from all day long.  Everyone at school was talking about cappuccino..(we lived on an island..we had very little to do) one night my friends and I went to The Pantry and finally buy our very own cappuccino.  It was like a rite of passage.  I picked out French Vanilla and it smelled like hot magic in a cup.  I held my cup in my hand (feeling ohh so cool) all the way to the beach and once we got there I decided it was finally cool enough to drink.  I was anticipating the wonderfulness that was about to enter my mouth.  How could anything that smelled that good taste like anything but perfection?

I spat it out the second it hit my tongue.  Then I spat out the second sip and gave it to my friend, who after consuming two large French Vanilla cappuccino in about ten minutes, didn’t sleep for two days.

I’ve hated it ever since.  Once Starbucks and fancy bookstores became the places to go I would always opt for Hot Chocolate or Italian Soda.  I’ll never forget the day I discovered the Green Tea Frappuccino.  That was a good day.  I could take part of the cool coffee hipster crowd yet not want to vomit all over the pretty purple couches.

I have always wanted to be a coffee girl.  I love the smell.  When I was pregnant I couldn’t get enough of it.  Dave loves it and makes it at least twice a day, my mother has been drinking coffee since she was FIVE years old, I love caffeine and after watching the Gilmore Girls fifty million times I decided…  I just want so badly to love it.  My thoughts?  Perhaps if I force down an entire cup of something not so awful I will grow to like it.

Dave and I decided if I was going to do coffee I was going to do it right.  So we went straight to the source..Starbucks.

(I forgot my camera)

He ordered for me..and I told him I wanted something cold.  For two reasons, the first I was hoping maybe the whip cream and the ice and the coldness would distract my brain from realizing it was coffee and two it was like 99 degrees outside.  He got me a Caffe Vanilla Frapuccino or something like that.  It looked yummy..it smelled great..but I decided just to be safe to dump about a pound of chocolate powder on top of it.

Guess what?

It was gross.  I tried..and I tried.  I drank about half and each swallow was more painful than the one before.  I felt as though the everyone in the store suddenly ordered a Green Tea Frappuccino and they were all following me around the store mocking me. (Seriously, I saw like nine people with one).  Then I started to feel sick.  Suddenly I had visions of my body rejecting coffee and I would die right there in Starbucks and Holden would grow up without a mother.  So I threw it away.

The worst part?  I was really grumpy that I wasted my money.  I should have just stuck with my old faithful friend.  Oh well, at least now I know I really do just hate coffee.


3 Responses to “#2: You want some coffee? That’s okay I’ll just lick it off the table..”

  1. kim June 19, 2010 at 7:32 am #

    Poor thing!! You should have gone for the Mocha Frapp…. Mocha = Chocolate…

    Hopefully you will give it a try again….. I need a coffee now!

  2. lindsay széchenyi June 25, 2010 at 7:32 am #

    Frapuccinos are GROSS and I’m a coffee lover. They don’t even taste like coffee… they taste like chemicals or something. Try an iced mocha next time! ❤

  3. amanda March 6, 2011 at 4:47 am #

    I really could not survive without my coffeeees. I love them especially drinking them outside at the beach here.

    Thanks for the post.

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