Reasons why Holden will grow up to be embarassed of me.

16 Jul

By the time I was 12 I became painfully embarrassed of my mother.

I have NO idea why.  My mom is quiet, she dresses well..but not too young for her age, she’s sweet & polite, she never made fun of me, she never yelled at me public (even though I am sure I deserved it once and awhile), she was a teacher & all her student’s loved her, she drove a nice car, she never showed my boyfriends naked baby pictures or told embarrassing stories, she never gave me a stupid nickname, she never chaperoned a school dance, she never hovered when I was around my friends, she never snooped in my room & she never ever forced me wear anything I did not want to wear (no..I managed to embarrass myself with my outfits ALL by myself!).

Pretty much mother perfection, yes?  Despite all this by the time I reached 7th grade I could barely stand to be within 30 feet of her when my friends were around.  This lasted until I graduated high school.  I am so glad Holden is a boy..because karma would surly come back to haunt me on that one..and I totally deserve it.  However, by the time I came home for my first break from college the embarrassment of my perfect mother was gone.  I let her put her arm around me in the grocery store and I think it was one of the happiest days of her life.  (I was such a bad daughter).  I blame this purely on adolescence.  I can do that right?

My mother did nothing to embarrass me.  In all honesty she never actually DID anything in public that would cause one to feel humiliated.   In so many ways I am my mother’s daughter…and it so many ways I am not.  Poor Holden.  Poor, poor, poor Holden.  I already feel I will cause that boy SO much humiliation and anguish just by being myself.  He is barely nine months old and I already have a list of things that are sure signs that my child will want me to drop him off three miles away from school so he doesn’t have to be seen with me.

  • Dave & I have already complied a list of nicknames that we call him.  There are twenty-seven names we typically call him on a daily basis.  These range from the most popular (Oogy), to the not-so popular (Lord Screamington), to the completly insane (OogyBearFace).
  • I’ll just state the obvious here..I write a blog..about his life.
  • Sometimes I take off his diaper and let him crawl up & down the hallway just so I can look at his cute butt..and ohhhhhh I have pictures…and ohh I’ll rip off his diaper and show anyone his cute butt that wants to see it.
  • I have already developed the “no woman will EVER be good enough for my son..ever” complex..which up until two minutes before I gave birth I would have rather died than considered.  This weekend a 8 month old girl was at our house and Holden was very interested in her and it was all I could do to not go over there and snatch him up and have Mommy/Holden cuddle time.
  • Whenever someone looks at his chunky thighs or big hands and says “you’re gonna be a football player..” I usually pipe in with “or a ballerina..whatever makes you happy.”
  • I have already picked out the song we are going to dance to at is wedding..if in fact I can put on my big girl pants and make it there without causing a scene.  (Sweet Baby James by James Taylor markmywordsthankyouverymuch).

Post Summary…in short…Holden is doomed.

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