Oh hai, I’m one………

2 Nov

What.the.hell?

There are moments in life where I am totally dumbfounded that I have a kid.  That this cute little munchkin with huge eyes came out of my body & belongs to me and only me (and..well Dave).  The fact that not only is he ALL mine but he’s now been around for 365 plus (ok..372 now because I am totally lame and didn’t blog on his actual birthday) blows my freaking mind.

Out of the window…down the street..and past the drug store.  That’s how far my brains exploded.

Now he’s one and over night he went from a baby to a toddler.  Suddenly wearing just a onesie looks weird on him and I swear he grew a full head of hair over night.  He’s stopped Frankenstein walking and is starting to toddle like..well..a toddler.  He says “uh oh” and Mamamama..and today when coming home from the grocery store (just me and him) we pulled up to the house and he said “Daddadadada..”.  And then he gave me a look that said “Woman, get me out of this damn cow carseat & let me in to see my Daddy who wrestles with me & lets me slam cabinets thankyouverymuch”.

He’s one and every single day of his first 365 days have been the hardest & most rewarding days of my entire life.    I read a lot of blogs of women who were having babies the same time as I had Holden.  No shocker here they have all recently been talking about their little nuggets first birthdays and how their births were the best day of their lives.  Holden’s first birthday was a day of great fun & great sadness for me.  I thought a lot about the day he was born & I felt like I could remember every second of the day he was born & in no way was his birthday the best day of my life.  The entire day felt like an out of body experience for me.  We went to the hospital at 5 p.m. on October 26th to be induced.  Once they gave me the sleeping pill the next twenty-four hours were a haze.  I faded in out and I only have memories of extreme pain and trying to make jokes with the male nursing student who was observing my birth AND asking the doctor questions about the type of stitches he was using to sew me back up (out of all things I remember that..my brain is a scary, scary place). I do remember when my doctor handed me this little boy.  He was a mess of curls.  His skin was gray, his face was scrunched up & his head was misshapen.  I knew right then that this was in no way the best day of my life.  I was in too much pain and a bundle of nerves to feel that.

It was the most important day of my life.

Suddenly I was a mother and I had no idea how to be one.  For the next two days in the hospital it was a frenzy of figuring out how to feed him (which I couldn’t) and visitors & nurses coming in and out of my room at all times.  I was a mess.  The night before we left to go home I cried all night long & didn’t sleep.  They kept Holden in the nursery that night and I was overcome with the intense fear of missing him but then taking him home all rolled in to one.  I snuck down to the nursery window and stared at him for a good 45 minutes while Dave slept soundly on the couch in my room.  I was terrified of my child, terrified of caring for him, worrying about not being able to provide a good life for him and generally worried about my failure as a mother.  On top of all these I was terrified I had  postpartum depression because I felt so detached from life. (If you couldn’t tell..I had a major case of the baby blues).

We came home & life smacked us in the face.  Suddenly we had this tiny baby who wouldn’t eat & wouldn’t sleep.  I wanted to breastfeed Holden.  It was something I just wanted to do but I felt so much pressure.  The pressure combined with the fact that he would fall asleep every time he started to eat terrified me.  By his first doctors appointment (where I wore a hat to hide my hair…this should tell you how tired I was because I have never in my life thought that wearing a hat was a totally excellent idea) Holden had lost so much weight they were starting to worry about him.  Later that night around 2 a.m. I was holding my tired and starving baby in my arms feeding him a bottle of formula and I was crying my eyes out.  I felt like even more of a failure because I could not even feed my child.

Then in one moment it all clicked.  I refused to give up and eventually he started eating and staying awake for the duration.  Then he gained his weight back plus some and our doctor called him “perfect”.  The next day my mom came and cleaned up my house, fed me & held Holden while I slept.  Watching her fall in love with Holden healed my heart a little more.  By the time he was three weeks old my favorite moments were waking up for his middle of the night feedings, watching DVRed Vampire Diaries and eating an Oatmeal Cream Pie while he ate.

Those were some of the best days of my life.

Every moment got better but each had their own trials & tribulations.  I went back to work part-time in January and my heart broke into a million pieces when I left him behind. February and the four-month wakeful (it’s not a myth) made me hate my life,  I went back to work full-time in August and I still haven’t adjusted to being a mom & a teacher.  But I will, because every day gets better.

Every day Holden amazes me…and every day I fall in love a little more.

When I gave my mom her mother’s day card this year I simply signed it “I get it now”.  And I totally do, because there is no love that can compare to falling in love with your child.

Happy Birthday Holden.

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2 Responses to “Oh hai, I’m one………”

  1. Kim November 2, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

    Love this! And Congradulations on a year of motherhood!

  2. Elaine November 6, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

    Congratulations! You made it a year! 🙂 He is precious!

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