Green grass..

23 Jan

A few months ago I was a stay at home mom.  It was always temporary.  I always knew I would go back to work the next August.  It was pre-determined and definite.  So I never really considered myself a stay-at-home mom.  I considered myself on a long maternity leave.  I did not hate every minute of it.  I enjoyed myself.  Loved my son and my time with him.  But it wasn’t all hugs and roses.  Holden wouldn’t sleep anywhere but on my lap.  So I spent most of that year sitting on the couch.  He would sleep in his car seat so when I just couldn’t take it anymore I drove around… I drove around..a lot.

I felt inadequate most of the time.  I felt like I couldn’t keep up.  The house was always messy, the laundry was never done & I don’t think I ever wore real pants.  I missed people, I missed gossiping & girlfriends and working hard.  I missed my life..but I loved my son.  I loved being with him.  I loved playing with him & feeding him & walking around my house at three in the morning holding him.  My heart was so full.

In August he turned nine months & I went back to work.  It was an adjustment and I missed him every single second.  He look awhile to get adjusted but eventually we were okay..and the hours after work seems like enough and the weekends were full of fun.  Work was hard but I loved it.  I never regretted my decision to go back to work..until this week.  It was just one of those weeks that you wish you could just press the fast forward button and get to Friday afternoon.  Everything mounted up one me & everything went wrong.  Top it off with Holden having a fever on Thursday night and by Friday afternoon I was in tears and missing my old life.  I’m sitting here right now dreading the morning and wishing I could rewind to a year ago and stay at home with my little boy.

The decisions I made are done..and I’ll get up tomorrow and hopefully it will be like the twenty weeks before this bad one..and everything will be normal again. Right?

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One Response to “Green grass..”

  1. sarah January 26, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    I’ve come to the realization that there is no longer a “normal” life when you have kid(s). Especially when you are a working mom. It’s all about taking one day at a time and remembering to breathe. There are good days, great days, bad days and there are horrible days. When those horrible days run two or more in a row you need to do exactly what you already did. Think about the good and great days. Remember that not all days are horrible and that you will get back to what seems like “normal”. Plus when it gets worse than horrible, you can always do what I do. Run to the liquor cabinet.

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